[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Celery is depressing green water wafers.