“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
oh u like history? name everything that happened
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.