Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl