Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Super Hand Dog Face
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off