Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?