My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.