My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”