KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
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Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I’m having an out of money experience.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…