I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.