Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
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What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.