Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
The fall of Netflix
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
blocked.