Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV