I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
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“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?