[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
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Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My birthstone is kidney
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.