I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Ok but actually
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people