Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help