i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
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*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
That eye roll….
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
He loved it so much he walked himself up.