I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it