me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
This is my bus stop.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.