Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
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Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.