“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???