[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
This is amazing.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.