“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
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I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking