“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Twitter is an abusement park.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Happy Friday
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*