How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You Might Also Like
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow