The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.