The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.