Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Great Canadian literature.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them