Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
He a real one for that
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming