I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
You Might Also Like
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.