Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.