[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
My love language is hissing.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.