Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
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I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Labreador
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.