Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Google Pay be like:
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Hell yeah 👍
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.