If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Succinctly put.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW