ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
The funk soul brother
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂