Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
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the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.