[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are