[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.