Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
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“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
That’s enough internet for the day
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked