I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
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This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Hot hot hot 🥵
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.