Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
inventing words: clothing
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.