*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s