2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.