SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You Might Also Like
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
synchronized noseblowing
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.