Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.