Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)