if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
sensitive skin
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.