There are usually two types of merchants.
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Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
congratulations to them
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.