It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.